One Liners
A brain went into a pub and said, "Can I have a pint of lager please?" "No way"
says the barman "you are already out of your head".
What's the difference between a man and a dog?
A man wears a suit, a dog just pants.
Did you hear about the prawn that went to a nightclub - he pulled a mussel.
A man walks into a surgery "doctor" he cries "I think I'm shrinking" "I’m sorry, sir
there are no appointments at the moment" says the physician "you will just have
to be a little patient"
Thieves made off with a toilet from police station, police say they have nothing to
go on
What do you get when you sing a country and western song backwards?
Your wife back, your house back and your dog back.
Why did the orange stop?
Cause it ran out of juice.
Which country is the worst at Karaoke?
Singapore
Baby polar bear asks his mum "am I a real polar bear?" "Yes son you are, why?"
"Because I’m bloody freezing"
What happened to the shortsighted circumciser?
He got the sack.
Where does Sadaam Hussein keep his cds?
In a rack.
What did the mummy cow say to the baby calf before it was live exported?
Veal meet again.
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I used to work with a bald headed geezer who had tattoos of Rabbits all over his
head. From a distance they look like hares.
My mate has just opened a delicatessen in Jerusalem. He's called it Cheeses of
Nazareth.
My husband joined the local mechanics course. They sent him home because he
wasn't in the right gear.
What's ET short for?
Coz he's only got little legs....boom boom
Which mobile network do Jedi’s use?
Yodafone.
Where does a King keep his armies?
Up his sleevies.
When is sheep ink?
When it’s in a pen.
Where would you find a duck with no legs?
Where you left it.
What do you call a sheep that doesn't like Christmas?
Baaaa Humbug!
Two cannibals were at a circus eating a clown. The one turned to the other and
said, "Does this taste funny to you?"
How do you call all the squirrels in the world?...."Calling all squirrels, calling all
squirrels"
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but a pair of cling-film
underpants. As he sits down, the psychiatrist says, "I can clearly see you're nuts".
What do Arsenal and a three-pin plug have in common?
They are both useless in Europe.
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A plumber divorcing his wife turns round and said it’s all over flo.
What do people in Yorkshire call ebay?
Ebaygum
During my driving lesson, I asked my instructor, 'Do I go left, right or straight
across the roundabout?' He replied, 'No, you go around it.'
A Dyslexic man walks into a bra...
What do Kermit the Frog and Henry the Eighth have in common? They both have
the same middle name.
There are three types of people in this world - those who can count and those who
can't.
What do you call someone who used to like tractors?
An ex-tractor fan.
Man walks in to a bar
Ouch!
Why don't cats like shaving?
Because 9 out of 10 prefer Whiskas.
I went out last night and drank eleven pints of yoghurt, when I woke up this
morning I was mullered.
What do you call a Chinese girl with a food mixer on her head?
Blenda.
Did you hear about the 2 silk worms that had a race?
It all ended in a tie.
Did you know, Benylin Cough medicine was invented by a Russian doctor? His
named was Ivor Chestikov.
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What kind of key do you need to get into the jungle?
A monKEY.
What is a vampire’s favourite fruit?
Neck-tarines.
Why couldn't Dracula’s wife get to sleep?
Because of his coffin.
I spilt spot remover on my dog... now he's gone.
Why do elephants have four feet?
They would look daft with just 6 inches.
A man walks in to a doctor's surgery, and tells the doctor that every time he lifts
his arm it hurts like hell and asks the doctor what to do. The doctor tells him not
to lift his arm.
What do you call a woman with 5 classes of beer balanced on her head?
"Beertricks"
A man walks into a pub with a lump of tarmac under his arm. 'A pint please,
landlord' he says. 'And one for the road'.
What's black and white and eats like a horse?
A Zebra
What did the sea say to the shore?
Nothing, it just waved.
What do you call a pop star that has regular bowel movements?
Damon All- Bran
Did you hear about the constipated accountant?
He couldn't budget.
Have you heard Poundstretcher and Marks and Spencer’s are merging?
They're now called Stretch Marks.
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A bloke goes home to his wife and says, 'I've won the lottery, pack your bags.' She
replies, 'What for, winter or summer?' 'Anything you like,' he says, 'now sod off.'
My last holiday was terrible, I flew with BA.
He just kept shouting “You crazy Fool, I aint getting on no plane!”
My friend swallowed an extractor fan, he’s OK now but it took it out of him.
I broke my neck once, but to be fair I haven’t looked back since
What’s green and smells like yellow paint?
Green Paint!
Knock knock?
(Who's there?)
Romeo
(Romeo who?)
Romeover to the other side of the lake and I'll tell you!
How many Pokemon does it take to change a light bulb?
157 but you’ve got to catch them all!
Two cows in a field. One says to the other "I hear they're doing artificial
insemination on us cows"
"Really?"
"Yep, straight up - no bull!"
What’s orange and sounds like a Parrot?
Answer: A Carrot
Where is the best place to hide a leaf?
Answer: A Tree
Why did the Mushroom go to the party?
Answer: Because he’s a fun-guy
What do you call a girl with tiles on her head?
Ruth.
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What green and runs around your garden?
A hedge
Two overweight regulars are sitting in the pub.
'Your round' said one, to which the other replied,
'You can talk you fat cu*t!'
Stevie Wonder was having an interview and the interviewer asked about what it
was like to be blind. He answered:
"it's not that bad, I mean, it could be worse, I could be black!"
Why have you called your pet newt tiny?
Because he's my newt.
What do you call an Australian who makes wooden toilets?
Lou Carpenter!
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
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Longer Jokes
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the
fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to he politely asked:
"What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died" replied Tim tearfully without looking up "and I've just buried
him".
The neighbour frowned. "That's an awfully big hole for a gold fish isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last piece of earth.
"Well", he replied, "that's because it's inside your cat."
A fireman comes home from work one day and tells his wife "you know, we have a
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wonderful system at the fire station. Bell One rings and we all put on our jackets.
Bell two rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell three rings and we're ready to
go on the engines. "That's super dear" says his old lady. "From now on" continues
the fire fighter "we're going to run this house the same way. When I say Bell one I
want you to strip naked. When I say Bell two I want you to jump into bed. When I
say Bell three we are going to have sex all night." So the next night the fireman
comes home from work and yells "Bell one" and his wife takes of all her clothes.
"Bell two" he shouts and she jumps into bed. "Bell three" he barks and they begin
to have sex.. But after just a couple of minutes his wife yells "Bell four" "What’s
this bell four?" the husband asks. "More hose" she replies "you're nowhere near
the fire!"
After months of ill heath, a man goes to his doctor for a full check-up. The doctor
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brings out the results and says 'I'm afraid I've got some very bad news. You're
dying and you don't have much time left'. The man looks shocked. 'Oh that's
terrible! How long have I got?' 'Ten' replies the doctor. 'Ten?' the man asks. 'Ten
what? Months? Weeks? What on earth do you mean?' The doctor looks at him
sadly. 'Nine... Eight...'
A yuletide meal at an expensive restaurant is disturbed when a woman starts
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screaming. "My son is choking" she cries, "He's swallowed the sixpence in the
Christmas pudding. Please anyone help!" Without speaking a man stands up at a
nearby table and walks over nonchalantly. Smiling pleasantly he grips the boy by
the gonads and squeezes. The boy coughs and out pops the coin. "Thank you so
much" beams the relieved mother, "are you a paramedic?" "No" replied the man "I
work for the inland revenue".
Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, are a South African,
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an Australian (both blokes), a young blonde lady, and a little old lady.
The train goes into a tunnel & a few seconds later there's the sound of a loud slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Australian has a bright red hand
print on his cheek. No one speaks.
The old lady thinks: "That Australian must have groped the blonde in the dark,
and she slapped his cheek."
The blonde thinks: "That Australian must have tried to grope me in the dark, but
missed and fondled the old lady. She slapped his cheek"
The Australian thinks: "That South African must have groped the blonde in the
dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead."
The South African thinks: "I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can slap that
bloody Aussie again."
A guy bought a new Mercedes and was out on the 401 for a nice evening drive. As
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the needle jumped up to 125 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light
behind him.
Confident he could outrun the police car, be began to drive faster. The needle hit
130, 140, 150 and finally 160 with the lights still behind him. "What am I doing?"
he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the
car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more
paperwork, and I did enjoy chasing you like that, so if you can give me an excuse
for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go."
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were
trying to give her back."
"Have a nice night," said the officer and went home.
Old married couple and the husband is rummaging under the bed where he finds
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a cardboard box containing two eggs and five thousand pounds.
He goes downstairs to the wife and says, "I've just found this box under the bed
with two eggs and five thousand pounds, what's going on?"
"Well" she says "every time I was unfaithful to you, I put an egg in that box."
The old man weighs the situation up and thinks, "Two eggs after 50 years of
marriage, I can forgive her that"
"O.K." he says and what about the five thousand pounds?"
"Well" she says, " every time I had a dozen, I sold them!!!!"
Old Mrs Harris goes to the doctor with an embarrassing problem. 'I pass wind all
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the time' she says. 'It doesn't smell and it's silent but it's very uncomfortable. In
fact, I've done it 20 times since coming in'. The doc thinks for a minute then gives
her a prescription. He tells her 'try taking these pills for a week then come back
and see me'. A week later, Mrs Harris marches in, more embarrassed than ever.
'Doctor, I don't know what was in the pills but my problem is worse than ever -
and now it stinks too!' 'Calm down!' says the doc. 'Now we've sorted out your
sinuses, we'll see to your hearing'.
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The supervisor of a local firm is startled when his secretary burst into his office
and demands to file a complaint of sexual harassment against a man who works
in the same department. 'What on earth did he do?' asks the boss. 'It's not what he
did, it's what he said!' the secretary shrieks. 'He said that my hair smelt nice!' 'And
what's so wrong with him telling you that?' asks the boss. 'He's a midget' huffs the
woman.
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A secretary answers the phone in a busy office "Nottingham Parachute Club" she
says There's a sharp intake of breath "Excuse me" says a man on the other end of
the phone, obviously startled. "But don't you mean the Nottingham Prostitute
club?" "Oh no sir" laughs the secretary "its definitely a parachute club" "Damn!
Last week your salesman called and signed me for 2 jumps a week"
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A man and his dog walk into the pub and turn to the assembled patrons. 'Ladies
and gentlemen' the man announces in a loud voice. 'I bet anyone here a pint of
lager that my dog can talk'. After muttering from the tables, the barman agrees to
the bet and is amazed when the dog perches himself on the barstool and delivers
a fascinating speech about the situation in Ireland. The barman says 'that's
amazing! But I bet you another pint that your pooch can't go and get you a
newspaper'. After a moment, the man agrees and slips the dog a crisp fiver and
says 'I want the change as well'. The dog nods and runs out the pub. He doesn't
return after an hour though so the worried man find the pub in a nearby alley -
shagging a local bitch. 'Oi!' yells the man. 'You’ve never done this before!' to which
the dog replies 'Well, I've never had the money before'.
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A rich man is away on business and phones home. The maid answers and he asks
if he can speak to his wife. 'She's upstairs shagging her lover' the undiplomatic
home-help replies. 'Right' the man says. 'Take out my shotgun and shoot them
both'. The maid leaves, the mean hears two loud shots and she returns. 'What
shall I do with the bodies?' she asks. The man replies 'take them out the back and
dump them in the swimming pool'. 'What swimming pool?' asks the maid. 'That is
849 9698, isn't it?' the man asks.
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Sleeping beauty, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo were all talking one day. Sleeping
Beauty said "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world" Tom
Thumb said "I must be the smallest person in the world" Quasimodo said "I
absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world" They decided to go to the
Guinness Book of Records to have their claims verified. Sleeping Beauty went first
and came out looking deliriously happy. "Its official I am the most beautiful girl in
the world" Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant "I am officially the
smallest person in the world" Sometime later Quasimodo came out looking
confused and simply stated "Who the hell is Camilla Parker Bowles?"
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Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time that produced
an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him
rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made
him...what? (Oh, crumbs, this is so bad, it's good) A super callused fragile mystic
hexed by halitosis.
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A man is strolling past a lunatic asylum when he hears a loud chanting. "Thirteen,
thirteen thirteen!" goes the noise from within the mental hospital's wards. The
man's curiosity gets the better of him and he searches for a hole in the security
fence. It's not long before he finds a small crack, so he leans forward and peers in.
Instantly, someone jabs him in the eye. As he reels back in agony the chanting
continues "fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"
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Old Mrs Harris goes to the doctor with an embarrassing problem. 'I pass wind all
the time' she says. 'It doesn't smell and it's silent but it's very uncomfortable. In
fact, I've done it 20 times since coming in'. The doc thinks for a minute then gives
her a prescription. He tells her 'try taking these pills for a week then come back
and see me'. A week later, Mrs Harris marches in, more embarrassed than ever.
'Doctor, I don't know what was in the pills but my problem is worse than ever -
and now it stinks too!' 'Calm down!' says the doc. 'Now we've sorted out your
sinuses, we'll see to your hearing'.
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2 dwarfs win the lottery and so hire 2 prostitutes and 2 hotel rooms. Dwarf 1 tries
all night to get an erection all he can hear from the next room is 'one ,two, three,
huh!' this continues all night. The next morning, Dwarf 2 asks, 'so how did it go?'
Dwarf 1 replies 'it was crap, I couldn't even get an erection. How was your night?'
to which Dwarf 2 replies 'worse - I couldn't even get on the bed'.
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A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing
with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off,
get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are
getting on, get your arse in the train, cause we're going down the tracks".
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of
language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay
there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I
want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his
train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers
who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings
with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a
pleasant one."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to
stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on
the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed
off about the two hour delay, please see the c**t in the kitchen."
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A man walks into Toys-R-Us and says to the sales assistant, 'Could you show me
your Barbie dolls, please?' 'Certainly, sir,' she says. 'Here, we have Fashion Barbie
at £15.95, Vacation Barbie, also £15.95, Housewife Barbie - that's £15.95 too - and
Divorcee Barbie, at £215.95.' The man is astonished. 'Why's Divorcee Barbie so
much?' he asks. 'She looks the same as the others to me.' 'Well, sir,' says the
assistant, 'that's because Divorcee Barbie comes complete with Ken's car, Ken's
house, Ken's furniture, Ken's dog...'
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"That's the best pig I've ever had. My son fell into the river and this pig dived in
and dragged him out by his teeth saving his life."
"I see" says the man "but that doesn’t explain why the pig only has three legs."
The farmer replies "The other night there was a fire in the farm house, that pig
ran over 2 miles to the fire station and brought back help, saved my house did
that pig."
"That still doesn't explain why the pig is missing a leg" said the man.
"Well" said the farmer "If you had a pig that was so brilliant would you eat it all at
once?"
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The other day I went to get a ticket for the Channel Tunnel.
I asked the attendant "Could I have a ticket for the channel tunnel?"
He replied "Eurostar?"
I said, "Heh, I've been on the telly, but I'm no Dean Martin!"
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There's an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman. The Irishman has invited the
other two to his house in Ireland for a proper boys weekend.
The first night that the Englishman and Scotsman are in Ireland the Irishman
takes them for a drink in his local. Just as they have started their third pint a little
Leprechaun comes and sits next to them, he starts talking to them and they
become quite fond of the little guy. Just as the barman calls for last orders the
leprechaun invites the three men back to his house where he has something magic
that could change their lives that he would like to show them. The three men
decide that this would be a good thing to go and see.
They arrive at the leprechaun’s house and enter through a tiny doorway. As soon
as they are in the hall they see this enormous slide, and the leprechaun tells them
that this is what he wanted to show them. He informs the three men that they
should slide down the slide and on their descent ask for whatever they want in
life.
The Englishman goes first and on the way down he cries out for gold and he lands
in a pile of it.
The Scotsman is to go second and he asks for silver and he lands in a huge pile of
it.
The Irishman feeling very excited at the prospect of having whatever he wants
forgets himself and on his descent he cries weeeeee.
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Three pieces of string standing outside a pub. One goes in and asks for a pint, the
barman says, 'Are you a piece of string?' the little guy says, 'Yes, I am' and the
barman replies, 'Get out, I already told you you're barred.' So he does and tells his
mates, so the second one tries his luck but gets the same response so the third
one says tie me in a knot and fray my ends. He walks into the pub and the barman
immediately says, 'Are you a piece of string?' he quickly replies, 'Nope, I'm a
frayed knot.
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After finally negotiating a professional contract, a striker arrives for his first
match at his new Premiership club. 'I'll tell you what,' says the coach. 'As it's your
first game, you can play for 45 minutes then I'll pull you off at half-time.' 'That's
not bad,' the lad replies. 'I only got and orange at my old place.'
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A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling,
'If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.'
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, 'If my dad was
an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.'
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at
the kid, 'What if your dad was an idiot and your mother was a silly cow?!'
The kid smiles and says, 'I would be a bus driver!'
A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's pulled
over by the Police.
The police officer approaches him and asks, "Have you been drinking Sir?"
"Why?" asks the man, "Was I all over the road?"
"No" replies the Officer. "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat bird in
the passenger seat that made me suspicious."
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A man visits his local cinema. Throughout the film, he notices that a young chap
in front has brought his dog along- and what's more the hound is laughing and
crying at all the relevant places. The film finishes and, gripped by curiosity, the
man wanders over to the pair. "I couldn't help but notice" he says to the chap "but
your dog laughed at all the funny bits and cried at all the sad bits.... its amazing! I
just can’t believe it!" "I can’t believe it either,” replies the man "he hated the book"
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A bloke goes into a pub in Dublin and orders 3 pints of Guinness, and drinks a sip
off each glass. The barman tells him, that his method of drinking doesn't give him
the best results, and asks why he drinks this way. The man says, 'me and my
brothers used to come here and have a pint, but now one of 'em's in New York,
the other's in Sydney, so I buy 3 pints, and drink a sip of each, thinking of them'.
The next day, the same bloke came into the pub and ordered 2 pints; the
concerned barman asked if his two brothers were OK. 'Oh yeah, their fine', he
said,' I just thought I'd quit drinking'
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I went to the doctors the other day and told him I keep having these bad dreams
that there's 100's of naked beautiful women running towards me and I keep
pushing them away all the time I push them away, so the doctor said what do you
want me to do, so I said break my arms.
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A woman is on a plane and the plane is about to crash. "I'm a virgin", she cries,
"someone make me feel like a woman!"
So the man in front takes off all his clothes, leans over to the woman, and says...
"Here. Iron these."
A guy from the gas board phones a house. A little boy answers.
Boy: - hello.
Gas man: - Hello can I speak to your mother or father please?
Boy: - No, they're busy.
Gas man: - OK. Do you have any brothers or sisters?
Boy: - yes, two older brothers.
Gas man: - can I speak to one of them then please?
Boy: - No, they're busy.
Gas man: - Is there anyone else in the house?
Boy: - Yes, there's a policeman.
Gas man: - can I speak to him then please?
Boy: - No he is busy as well.
Gas man: - So what are they all doing?
Boy: - Looking for me.
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A man was sprawled across three entire seats in a theatre. When the usher came
by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed
one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.
"Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the
manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched
briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the
usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of
them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned
the police. The policeman surveyed the situation briefly.
"All right, sir. What's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
Where are you from, Sam?" the policeman asked.
"The balcony".
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An Eskimo is out for a drive one day when his car breaks down and he is forced to
call out the Alaskan AA. The Eskimo stands in the howling wind and waits for the
mechanic to arrive. When the mechanic reaches the broken car he sets to work,
looking under the bonnet until he appears to have located the problem. He looks
up at the Eskimo and says, "you've blown a seal mate" To which the Eskimo
hastily replies "No I haven', that's just frost on my moustache"
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A man and his dog walk into the pub and turn to the assembled patrons. 'Ladies
and gentlemen' the man announces in a loud voice. 'I bet anyone here a pint of
lager that my dog can talk'. After muttering from the tables, the barman agrees to
the bet and is amazed when the dog perches himself on the barstool and delivers
a fascinating speech about the situation in Ireland. The barman says 'that's
amazing! But I bet you another pint that your pooch can't go and get you a
newspaper'. After a moment, the man agrees and slips the dog a crisp fiver and
says 'I want the change as well'. The dog nods and runs out the pub. He doesn't
return after an hour though so the worried man find the pub in a nearby alley -
shagging a local bitch. 'Oi!' yells the man. 'You’ve never done this before!' to which
the dog replies 'Well, I've never had the money before'.
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Siamese twins go to the same hotel in France every year for twenty years. The
hotel owner, who liked the business, but was puzzled asked - why do you keep
coming back to France year after year?
One of the twins answered - its the only time my brother gets to drive
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Following a nasty car accident, a mans wife slips into a coma. After spending
weeks at her bedside, the husband is summoned to the hospital. "It's amazing"
says the doctor breathlessly "While bathing your wife, one of the nurses noticed
she responded to her breasts being touched" The husband is very excited and
asks what he can do "Well" says the doc "If one erogenous zone provokes a
response, perhaps the others will too" so the husband goes alone into the room
where he slips his hand under the covers and begins to massage her bits.
Amazingly the woman begins to move and even moan a little. The man tells the
doctor waiting outside. "Excellent" he says "if she responded like that to your
finger, I think you should try oral sex" Nodding, the husband returns to the roombut
within minutes the heart monitor alarm goes off and the medics pile into the
room. "What happened?" shouts the doctor as he checks the woman’s pulse. "I’m
not sure,” replies the man, looking sheepish......"I think she choked"
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A lady walks into the kitchen where her husband is busy killing flies with the
swatter "any luck?" she asks. "A bit" he replies, "I've killed three males and two
females" Intrigued, she asks how he could possibly know the sex. "Easy" he
responds, "three were on my beer can and the other two were on the phone"
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A piece of black tarmac walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says I'm
hard, man, I'm hard! The bartender says, OK, you're hard.
Next day, the black tarmac walks into the bar again, goes up to the bartender and
says, I'm hard, man, I'm hard. Bartender says, Ok, you're hard.
Next day, the black tarmac is at the bar again when in walks a piece of red tarmac.
Suddenly the black tarmac disappears. The bartender finds him in the alley out
back, hiding behind a bind and shaking. The bartender says to him - I thought you
were hard, how come you're afraid of a bit of red tarmac? The black tarmac says, I
am hard man, but he's a bloody cyclepath!
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After a brief sex free relationship an elderly couple finally decide to marry. Before
the wedding they have a long conversation about how things might change in
married life, discussing finances and living arrangements, before eventually the
old man enquires about doing the wild thing. "How do you feel about sex" he asks
rather hopefully. "Well" thinks his partner "I'd have to say I like it infrequently"
The old man pauses "I see" he says. "Just to clarify was that one word or two?"
Ebay Desktop Software
Man in car stopped by police.
P: Sir you were doing 60mph in a 40mph zone
M: No I wasn't
P: Sir I can assure you that you were. I caught you on my radar
M: No I was not
Man's wife: Officer, don't argue with him, he's drunk almost a bottle of whisky
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Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there,
St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step on the ducks."
So they entered heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is
almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they tried their best to
avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St.Peter chains them
together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity
chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes
St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same reason as for the first woman.
The third woman listens to all of this and not wanting to be chained for all
eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter
comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on... very
tall, tanned and muscular.
St. Peter chains them together and leaves without saying a word. The woman
remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
Ebay Desktop Software
A woman rushes into the foyer of a large hotel and sprints up to the reception
desk. Seeing that the only member of staff is talking on the phone, she hammers
on the bell for service. The receptionist slowly puts down the phone. 'Yes?' he
says warily. 'I'm in a frightful hurry, could you check me out please?' The clerk
stares at her for a second and looks her up and down. 'Not bad' he smiles. 'Not
bad at all'.
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A traffic policeman pulls over a car on a lonely back road and approaches the lady
driver. "Ma’am, why were you weaving all over the road?"
"Oh officer" the woman replies "Thank goodness you're here! I almost had a
terrible accident. Swerving to avoid a tree I looked up to see another tree right in
front of me, so I pulled the car over to the right and there yet again was another
tree in front of me."
The copper nods then points to the thing dangling under the rear view mirror.
"Ma'am", he says patiently, "That's your air freshener."
Ebay Desktop Software
A guy bought a new Mercedes and was out on the 401 for a nice evening drive. As
the needle jumped up to 125 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light
behind him.
Confident he could outrun the police car, be began to drive faster. The needle hit
130, 140, 150 and finally 160 with the lights still behind him. "What am I doing?"
he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the
car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more
paperwork, and I did enjoy chasing you like that, so if you can give me an excuse
for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go."
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were
trying to give her back."
"Have a nice night," said the officer and went home.
Ebay Desktop Software
There was once a very lonely man, who went home to his lonely house every
night, ate his meal for one TV dinner and went to bed, alone. One day he decided
that he would buy a pet to keep him company. So along he went to his local pet
shop. He described his sad lonely existence to the shop-keeper who immediately
said "I've got the perfect pet for you! He's a very special pet, doesn't take a lot of
looking after and very friendly". "Excellent, I'll take it", said the man.
The shopkeeper went out to the back of the shop and came back with a very small
box, "Inside this is a talking centipede", he said.
The man was delighted and intrigued; he paid for the centipede and took the little
creature home.
Later that evening, he set the centipede on the kitchen table and said, "Hi there
matey, I'm off to the pub for a pint, do you fancy joining me?” there was no
answer from the centipede. Still the man put it down to the centipede being in a
new environment, "best let him get used to his new home" the man thought.
The next day the man set the centipede on the table and asked him again if he
would like to accompany him to the pub - still no answer. Still acclimatising
thought the man.
The following day, the man tried again, thinking that if he still got no answer from
the so-called "talking" centipede he'd take him back to the shop. So he put the
centipede on the table and said, "hey there, I'm off to the pub, do you fancy
coming with me?" To which the centipede replied, "I heard you the first time I was
just putting my shoes on!"
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Two vampire bats, Boris and Fred, wake after a days sleep, really hungry. They
both fly off into the night to search for food.
Fred searches everywhere for food and cannot find a thing, not even a
mouse.....after a couple of hours he is really, really hungry.
He bumps into Boris whose mouth is dripping with blood. "It is so unfair", said
Fred "I want to know how to do that!!!".... So Boris says, "come on the I will show
you!!”
They both fly off over a graveyard, then a field and then they were soon flying
over a forest.
Boris says " see that huge tree down there in the middle of the forest?"
"Yes" says Fred...
"Well I didn't!!!!!!!" says Boris...
Ebay Desktop Software
Hopelessly lost, a businessman approaches a local in a village. 'What's the
quickest way to York?' he asks. The local scratches his head. 'Are you walking or
driving?' 'I'm driving' the man replies. 'Hmmm' ponders the local. 'I'd say that's
definitely the quickest way'.
Ebay Desktop Software
Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white
stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't
know. You should pray to God about that and ask him." So that night he did
and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other
zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, you are
what you are." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black
stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."
Ebay Desktop Software
Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm, his wife is lying in bed
reading. Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."
Wife replies, "I think you'll find, that is a sheep."
Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."
Ebay Desktop Software
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the
door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Japanese man, clutching a
clipboard and yelling,
"You sign, you sign!"
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement when the Japanese man starts to
yell louder.
"You sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Get lost!"
and shuts the door in the Japanese man's face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little
Japanese man is back, with a huge truck full of brake pads. He thrusts his
clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Japanese
man back, shouting:
"Look, get lost!! You've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them!" then slams the
door in the Japanese man's face again.
The following day Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, hears a knock on
the door again. Upon opening the door, the little Japanese man thrusts the same
clipboard under his nose, shouting,
"You sign! You sign!"
Behind him are TWO large trucks full of wing mirrors.
Nelson loses his temper completely, picks the little man up by his shirtfront and
yells at him, "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the
wrong man! Who do you want to give these to?"
The little Japanese man looks at him a bit puzzled, consults his clipboard, And
says:
"You not Nissan Main dealer?"
Ebay Desktop Software
A bloke walks into his doctor's office and explains that he has a delicate problem,
"Last week I noticed a small hole in the side of my cock. Didn't hurt or anything
and I thought nothing of it. Now, every morning I find more and more holes. It's
messy, embarrassing and I’m bloody worried about it"
The Doctor asks him to plop it on the table so he can have a look. He squints at it,
looks at it from all angles and lifts it up with the end of his pen to examine all the
holes.
"Hmmm. Yes, I think I can help you," he says and hands the bloke a business card,
"This is a good friend of mine. Give him a call and he'll be able to help."
Relieved, the man pops his cock away and thanks the doctor "Thank you. Thank
you. I was so worried. Is he a plastic surgeon?"
"Good God no. He plays the flute. He’ll show you how to hold it when you go for a
piss."
Ebay Desktop Software
(Works best if you do the Italian accent while reading the speech)
A man goes on holiday to a small Italian village. He wants to do a bit of a tour so
he hails a cab and gets in. The driver introduces himself, "ey, my friend, my name
is Luigi, I will show-a you around my beautiful village"
They come to a lovely stone church up on a hill. "Ey, my friend, you see that-a
church up there? I build-a that church with my bare hands, do they call me Luigi
the stonemason? No!"
Soon they come to an ornate wooden fronted house. "Ey, my friend, you see that-a
house there? I carve-a that house with my bare hands, do they call me Luigi the
carpenter? No!"
Soon they come back to the village square where there is huge fountain in the
middle. "Ey, my friend, you see that-a fountain there? I made that made that
fountain with my bare hands; do they call me Luigi the sculptor? No! But you fuck
one pig, just one pig....."
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Man: Hi Doc, I feel like shit, what's wrong with me?
Short theatrical pause as the Doctor examines examines poorly man.
Doc: Oh my!
Man:?!
Doc: Well, I'm sorry to break this to you, but it appears you've got the lurgy!
Man: Whaa?! I want a second opinion!
Doc: Ok then, you're ugly as well.
Ebay Desktop Software
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
'Cos, it was dead.
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
'cos it was holding onto the first monkeys tail
Why did the third monkey fall out of a tree?
'cos he thought it was a game
Ebay Desktop Software
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots
another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him.
So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then
moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground
floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts
masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and
says, "What the f u c k is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
Ebay Desktop Software
One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.
She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"
The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."
So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says, "You know Sara, you
have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see
one."
Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She
opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her
and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy
then says, "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another
100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."
Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not?
So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.
A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him,
"You know, your friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he
owes me?"
Ebay Desktop Software
A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of
the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good
understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first
student raised his hand and said, "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said,
"Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".
Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies, "If
grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."
Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The
teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to
ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely s h I t my pants."
Ebay Desktop Software
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees
an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put
that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you
can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He
sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to
put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars,
grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another
five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The
grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."
Ebay Desktop Software
A man was at a club and another man was playing a piano, the pianist was playing
a beautiful melody, when he finishes the man goes up to the pianist and says:
"That was beautiful, what's it called?"
The pianist replies: "I pulled down my pants and crapped on your stomach."
The man says nothing and sits down to listen to him some more.
The pianist plays another melody, which really touches him inside; when he
finishes he asks him what that melody was called.
The pianist replies: "I sat on your face and made love to your legs."
Later, the pianist is leaving the club when the man catches up to him and asks
him to play piano at a party he is organising that takes place next week, the
pianist agrees to do it.
"Just one thing" the man says "Change the name of your songs, please."
And the man says he'll think about.
The next week the party is taking place the man organised, it's just started when
the pianist shows up.
The man goes up to him and says "Great, you're here, now, get on the piano and
start playing, we're waiting for you."
The pianist replies: "Err, just one thing. I can't play unless I’ve masturbated."
"What! *sigh*, okay, go on, 5 minutes, do your business." Says the man, after he
points the pianist to the toilet;
the pianist goes in the toilet.
5 Minutes later the man knocks on the door and says.
"Oi, you've been in there for 5 minutes, are you coming out now?"
The pianist unlocks the door and leaves the toilet.
His hair is ruffled up; he has shit down his shirt and spunk all over his jeans.
The man says: "Jesus, you know you've got shit down your shirt and spunk all
over your jeans?"
The pianist replies:
"Know it, I fuckin' wrote it."
Ebay Desktop Software
3 builders are on top of a huge skyscraper.
The first man is English, the second Scottish and the third Welsh. It’s their lunch
break and they all discuss what their wives have prepared them for lunch.
The English man opens his lunch box and tells the other 2,
"I hate jam sandwiches, and I swear if I have this again tomorrow I’ll jump off!"
After a long pause the Scottish man opens his lunch box, surprised by what his
wife has given him he says,
"Nooo I’ve got marmite today, its terrible, tell u what if I have this again tomorrow
I’ll jump off too"
The Welshman opens his lunch box and discovers cheese sandwiches, his least
favourite filling, not to feel left out he also agrees to the deal.
The next day arrives, and the English man opens his lunch box. He finds jam
sandwiches, he promptly runs off the building.
The Scottish man then opens his lunch box, and again discovers marmite. He then
jumps off.
The Welsh man then says to himself "I better not have cheese, please not
cheese...." he opens his lunch box and find the dreaded cheese sandwiches. He
shrugs his shoulders and runs off the building.
At the funerals the wives begin to chat. "He could have told me he didn't like
those sandwiches".
"Yeah, how were we supposed to know."
The Welshman’s wife then blurts out "I don't get it, he made his own sandwiches
for lunch!?!"
Ebay Desktop Software
Blonde Jokes
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts
wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her
knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes
her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde".
"I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."
Ebay Desktop Software
A very attractive blonde lady boards a plane bound for America and immediately
sits down in the business class area. The stewardess walks up to her and asks he
if she can check her ticket. The blonde shows her the ticket, which is clearly
marked economy class. The stewardess informs the lady that she must move to
which the blonde replies " I am blonde and beautiful so I can sit anywhere" The
stewardess informs the senior steward of the situation who then goes to speak to
the blonde yet still the blonde replies "I am blonde and beautiful so I can sit
anywhere". The steward does not know what to do so goes to inform the captain,
the co-pilot listening to the situation says "let me deal with it sir my girlfriend is
blonde" so off he goes. Everyone watches as the co pilot walks up to the lady and
whispers something inner ear, she then gets up and walks to the back of the plane
and takes her seat in economy class. The captain amazed at how easily the co
pilot has resolved the situation asks the co pilot what he said. The co pilot replies,
" It was quite easy really I just told her the front half of the plane doesn’t go to
America..."
Ebay Desktop Software
Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The
sign read: "Disneyland Left."
So they went home.
Ebay Desktop Software
Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, are a South African,
an Australian (both blokes), a young blonde lady, and a little old lady.
The train goes into a tunnel & a few seconds later there's the sound of a loud slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Australian has a bright red hand
print on his cheek. No one speaks.
The old lady thinks: "That Australian must have groped the blonde in the dark,
and she slapped his cheek."
The blonde thinks: "That Australian must have tried to grope me in the dark, but
missed and fondled the old lady. She slapped his cheek"
The Australian thinks: "That South African must have groped the blonde in the
dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead."
The South African thinks: "I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can slap that
bloody Aussie again."
Ebay Desktop Software
The supervisor of a local firm is startled when his secretary burst into his office
and demands to file a complaint of sexual harassment against a man who works
in the same department. 'What on earth did he do?' asks the boss. 'It's not what he
did, it's what he said!' the secretary shrieks. 'He said that my hair smelt nice!' 'And
what's so wrong with him telling you that?' asks the boss. 'He's a midget' huffs the
woman.
Ebay Desktop Software
A blonde calls her boyfriend asking for help with a jigsaw puzzle, the boyfriend
asks her what its supposed to be.
The girlfriend replies that according to the box it’s supposed to be a tiger.
The boyfriend goes over to help.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and
says, "First of all, no matter what we do, were not going to be able to assemble
these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. Second, lets have a cup of coffee
and put all these Frosties back into the box".
Ebay Desktop Software
A blonde enters a women’s' swimming contest, and is told that they would using
the breaststroke for the first round.
The blonde comes in dead last and complains to the judge: "That wasn't fair! They
were all using their arms!"
**********
A blonde decided to commit suicide by hanging herself from a tree in the park.
A few days later, a man was walking his dog and spotted her hanging from the
tree. He asks the blonde what she is doing and she replies, "I'm hanging myself."
"You're supposed to put the noose around your neck, not your waist," said the
onlooker. "I tried that," replied the blonde, "but I couldn't breathe.
*********
Biff gets a call from his blonde girlfriend, Buffy. "I've got a problem," says Buffy.
"What's the matter?" asks Biff.
"Well, I've bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit
together and I can't find any edges."
"What's the picture of?" asks Biff.
"It's of a big Rooster," replies Buffy.
"All right," says Biff, "I'll come over and have a look."
So he goes over to Buffy's house and Buffy greets him saying, "Thanks for coming
over."
Buffy leads Biff into her kitchen and shows him the jigsaw on the kitchen table.
Biff looks at the jigsaw and then turns to Buffy and says, "For Pete's sake - put the
Cornflakes back in the Box."
**********
A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her to
Take a swing at a ball to see how she'd do.
The blonde did so and completely duffed the shot.
The pro said, "Your swing is good but you're gripping the club too
Hard. Grip the club gently as you would your husband's penis.”
The blonde took another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards
Straight down the fairway.
The pro said, "That was excellent!! Let's try it again, only this
Time take the club out of your mouth."
Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A: So brunettes can remember them.
**********
Q: What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A: You pick it up pull the pin & throw it back.
Ebay Desktop Software
Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.
**********
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer?
A: The joystick is wet.
**********
Q: What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants?
A: Pick them up off the floor.
**********
Q: Why don't blonds play Frisbee?
A: It hurts their teeth.
**********
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!
**********
Q: How do blonde brain cells die?
A: Alone.
**********
Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?
A: They can't find the zipper.
**********
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the fish?
A: She tried to drown it.
**********
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?
A: Not everyone has been in a 747.
Ebay Desktop Software
A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she
accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did,
he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a
circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde, "Stand in that
circle and DON'T MOVE!"
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she
had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!"
He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When
he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He
gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.
Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to
his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns
around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down. "What's so funny?"
the truck driver asked the blonde. She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I
stepped outside the circle."
Ebay Desktop Software
A girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other
Kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5,
6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy,"
She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids
Could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy,"
She yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the
Other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank
Top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24."
Ebay Desktop Software
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to
NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the
window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is
really easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't
know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and
tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you
don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer that you'll
ask me, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily
win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be
no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the
first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde
doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it
to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill
with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a
puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.
He taps into the Air phone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library
of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he
knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her
$500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The
lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what
IS the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the
lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
Ebay Desktop Software
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical
malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and
communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's
position and course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and
held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said, "WHERE AM I?" in large
letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and
held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to
SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN
A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position in Seattle.
The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because,
similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely
useless answer."
Ebay Desktop Software
A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, dog
put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in
the house. They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the
taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi
driver:” He’s just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother.” A few minutes
later, the husband gets into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to
poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a
blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs
and tossed her in the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again
either!"
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking
for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to well dressed
middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You
Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is
using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip
down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are
you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say another word. He leaned over, picked up the little dog,
tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The women shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the
soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you
Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You're bad at
holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the
road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."
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While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.
"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have
no one to go to with our own problems."
"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other
out right now?"
They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive
shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually over bill my patients as often as I can."
The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently
pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."
The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just
can't keep a secret."
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Rude Jokes
Why does the pope wear trunks in the bath?
He doesn't like to look down on the unemployed.
Did you hear about the gay magician?
He vanished with a poof.
Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?
He bought a warehouse.
Mickey Mouse has been thrown out of Disneyland. Not sure, but I heard it had
something to do with Muffin the Mule.
Why did the snooker player go to the toilet?
To pot the brown.
What’s the difference between erotic and kinky?.
Erotic, you use a feather. Kinky you use the whole chicken.
What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
What gets longer when pulled, fits between a women's tits, inserts neatly in a hole
and works best when jerked hard?
A Seat Belt.
It goes in dry and it comes out wet, the longer it's in the stronger it gets, it comes
out dripping and starts to sag... it's a Tetley's tea-bag.
What's a monkey got in common with a chainsaw?
They both shag up trees.
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What do Tony Blair and Peter Stringfellow have in common?
They both love bush.
What do you call a man with no arms or legs, playing the piano?
Clever Dick.
What's pink and hard first thing in the morning?
The Financial Times Crossword.
A woman went in to a chemist and asked if they sold extra large condoms. "Yes
we do. Would you like to buy some?" replied the shop assistant. "No, but do you
mind if I wait till somebody does?"
News flash just in... A man flashed at three old ladies sitting on a bench on
Clapham common... two had a stroke but the other couldn't reach.
What is the difference between burnt toast and a pregnant woman?
Nothing. In both cases it was taken out too late.
What's the difference between a terrorist and a woman with PMT?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.
What's pink and hard?
A pig with a flick knife.
When is a pixie not pixie?
When she has her head down an elf’s pants......then she's a goblin
What's black and sits at the top of the stairs smoking?
Stephen Hawking in a house fire.
What's George Michael got in common with a pair of wellies?
Both get sucked off in bogs.
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Elton John goes into a chemist.
"Can I have some Vaseline please?" he says to the woman behind the counter.
"Awww, sore lips?" says the woman.
"No dear, it's for chaps"
What do you call a Serbian prostitute?
Slobadan Micokyabic.
Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my arse!
I'll have to give you some cream for that.
What's the difference between a woman and a fridge?
A fridge doesn't fart when you take the meat out.
**********
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing. You've already told her twice.
What's the difference between a buffalo in your airing cupboard and being raped
by a heavyweight boxer?
One's having a bison in your towels, the other's having a Tyson in your bowels.
There were 2 prozzys sitting by the river on a sunny afternoon.
"It's going to be a great night tonight I smell cock in the air."
"Oh sorry that was me I burped."
What’s long, hard and full of siemen?
A Submarine.
What’s nasal sex?
Fuck nose!
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In Closing
Thank you for using the Hilarous Jokes e-book. I hope that you have enjoyed
creating some of these wonderful recipes. I would be greatful if you could take
the time to visit my website below, where you can view more great e-Books:
http://www.elpassobooks.co.uk
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